BABY DIARIES 9 – An Emotional Rollercoaster

Photo by Zoe Morley Photography

Now that I’ve covered off the major parts of the story so far I guess I should probably talk a little about how I am coping with it all. Overall I think I’m handling it pretty well all things considered. For the most part I’m really matter of fact and positive about the long term outcome for our little boy. I know we are in the very best of hands, the surgery has a very high success rate and we are well supported by both friends and family, but also a few different organisations and avenues which I might talk a bit more about later on.

But while I’d say 99% of the time I feel ok about things, I’ve had 2 mini-meltdowns which stick out in my mind. The first one came maybe a week and a bit after finding out about the heart problem, so around the time I was 21weeks. One evening my husband said something to me, not even baby related and not even mean or anything, but it just set me off. The floodgates opened and I could not stop crying for about 3 hours. Not hysterical crying, just a constant stream of tears ramping up and down at various points. I literally couldn’t get myself together. I wasn’t even thinking about anything in particular, it was just everything. I was so emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed by everything. I guess since I hadn’t done too much crying apart from the odd little breakdown here and there I really needed to get it out. That night I went to bed crying and I woke up in the dark at 5am, felt the baby move and then started again. I went back to sleep and by the time I woke up again I was ok. I was back to feeling like everything was going to be fine and that I could handle it. I had to handle it.

The second was just recently (so around 25 weeks) and again, I couldn’t even tell you what set me off in particular. It wasn’t even anything someone had said. I just started thinking about all of the other things that could go wrong and what if they did? Usually I’m not that person. I’m very much a “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it” type. Even though I like to plan and explore possibilities, I don’t tend to unnecessarily worry about things I can’t control or don’t know will happen until they do happen. But alas, here I was crying again for a few hours, over no one thought in particular but just in general. My poor husband. Again, after a sleep I felt ok.

And I feel ok now. I guess this whole thing is going to be a real rollercoaster. I’m sure as I get closer to having him I’ll get more anxious and who knows what I’ll actually be like when I see him hooked up to all of the machines, when I can’t hold him, while he’s being operated on or the aftermath. But as I’ve been told by my whole team of Dr’s, specialists and both OB’s, for now everything is normal. My pregnancy is normal, it’s not even considered high risk. The baby is perfectly happy in there and the best thing I can do for him is to be healthy and happy. It’s not a problem until he takes his first breath so I’m doing my very best to be strong, happy and positive. That’s all I can do.

Thanks so much for reading guys! It’s been a wild ride so far. I’m going to do a Q&A post so if you have any questions at all, please feel free to DM them to me on Insta or comment them on a baby diaries post (@ozproductjunkie) and I’ll do my best to answer them for you. I’m a pretty open book as you can hopefully tell so feel free to ask whatever you like.

I also realise much of these posts have been completely focused on me but if you’d like to hear from my husband at all, let me know and I’ll see if he might write a guest post from his point of view.

Ash =)

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